‘Things are seldom what they seem.’
~ Atiśa ~
‘Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.’
~ Søren Kierkegaard ~
I hate the festive season.
I don’t often use the ‘H’ word because I find it to be harsh and believe it shouldn’t be used flippantly, but I can honestly and genuinely say I hate the festive season.
It all stems from something that occurred when I was 18 years old. In the scheme of life, it was minor, but it was one of those events that I’ve never forgotten and one which has made me hate the festive season.
Even when I was with my ex, the father of my children, I hated the festive season because one of his brilliant ways of teaching me a lesson when he felt I had done wrong, amongst other things, was to not attend my side of the family’s Christmas lunch. I had to attend his family’s events, which I always did and enjoyed, but the next day when it was my turn he just wouldn’t go. For the first couple of years I made excuses. ‘He’s tired’, ‘he has to work’ and anything else that didn’t sound like he was punishing me or avoiding them. For our final Christmas together I was finally honest. ‘He didn’t want to come because he’s hung over and he hasn’t been in years so are you really surprised?’ And they weren’t.
The first Christmas after the relationship ended was hell on earth. He ensured that he had the children over Christmas and New Year, as punishment of course. What resulted was, after nine months apart, I finally had a breakdown. I hit rock bottom. The joy of that situation was I had nowhere further left to fall and I was able to commence healing, which I did.
The following Christmas I was able to take a stand with my ex and we came up with a fair arrangement regarding the children. An arrangement that still stands a year later.
Although I’m in a good place now compared to previously I still can’t help but reflect upon everything and feel a bit shit about it all. Add to the fact that I look around and am alone bothers me. Not alone in the sense of I have no boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/husband/wife scenario, but that the few friends I have that are aware of my personal history haven’t bothered to ask ‘R U OK?’ or even say ‘hello’ over the course of the month. It hurts, but it also makes it easier to know what to do in the new year regarding them.
So, I still hate the festive season, but I genuinely wish you all a safe and happy one and hope that you are all ok xx