‘Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.’
~ Anne Frank ~
‘Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.’
~ Dalai Lama ~
After approximately two years, maybe more, I’ve delved back into the world of dating *sigh* It hasn’t been a complete success lets say, and unfortunately, I’m finding that the rejection that comes from it has a tendency to serve as a reminder of my own negative views of myself.
To be quite honest, my ex really fucked me up, and it’s taken me a long time to find confidence in myself again, so it doesn’t take a lot for me to slip into the abyss.
Three days ago I slipped into the abyss.
The day after, a random, unexpected simple gesture brought me back out of it.
When I came home from work, I checked my letter box and found a hand written envelope addressed to me. Given this is the age of electronic mail with predominately only bills arriving via post, I was a) confused, b) surprised, c) excited…actually d) all of the above. I opened it and discovered a beautiful card with a caricature of the Queen of Hearts on one side and a hand written note on the other. It was from one of my Twitter followers who lives almost 1500 km away; someone who I don’t speak to with any major regularity; someone who I have connected with and who has helped me out at various times; someone who I share common interests with; someone I call my friend. A handful of simple words from them made me stop, forget about all the negativity of the day before and remember how lucky I am to have such friends that look out for me, even if it is from afar.
Sometimes simple things like a guy not wanting to see you again can knock you down in a heartbeat, yet just as quickly simple things like an unexpected postcard from a friend can show you the light again and make you smile. The key is remembering to focus on the latter and being thankful for what you do have as opposed to what you don’t.
Every year on March 8 the world celebrates women, all women everywhere regardless of nationality, appearance or religion. I personally tend to look at my past and, hopefully, realise how far I have come in particular over the last few years.
I have delved into my past a few times on this blog, and I do not feel it necessary to do that again, predominately because I can finally recognise my personal growth. I can recognise how far I have come as a professional woman and as a mother. And I’m extremely proud of myself for that.
So to all the women out there I hope you recognise your worth not just today, but every day because you truly are amazing.
Happy International Women’s Day
Last Sunday I did a massive spring clean of my house. In the process I found my three hand written journals from 2014. Each year, since 2013, I set myself a writing challenge. This blog is 2015’s and last year it was to maintain a daily journal. When I found the journals I couldn’t help but read the first one during a cleaning break.
To say I was shocked at some of the things written would be an understatement. I’d successfully managed to put a lot of the events behind me and had, quite literally, forgotten about most. I was astounded at my unhappiness, in particular my unhappiness in relation to a few key people. However, it was most upsetting to realise that I was repeating patterns this year, something I didn’t realise I was doing, until Sunday.
In 2014 there was one person in particular who had the most negative impact on me since my ex. This person treated me poorly, like an option, when I treated them like a priority. After a tumultuous, short friendship, it ended. That was only the beginning of a year long association with arseholes who treated me poorly, and sadly it appears to be happening again to me in 2015, a few times over in fact.
So, I’ve decided to take a new approach with it all to avoid complete heartbreak again. I’ve decided to just step away, to stop making these people a priority since I am clearly an option to them. If they wish for me to be in their lives they need to make an effort. If not, jog on.
What fifteen years in a physically, emotionally and verbally abusive relationship have finally taught me is to have self respect, to understand my worth and to know when to move on from people who are impacting on my life in a negative way. I guess that’s something.
Then why do I feel like shit about it all?