For some time now I have been experiencing feelings of hopelessness. I have been on a path, a set path with set goals, and I have been searching to find, I don’t know, something. But the more I searched, the further I moved away from my goals it seemed.
2016 was to be my year, the year I finally set about to achieve that which has been missing in my life. I focused on shedding those things that made me unhappy and made decisions that would help to move me forward. Simplifying it, I had three areas I wanted to focus on: my living circumstances, my job, my lack of a relationship.
Now here we are in September. I look around and see how little I have actually achieved and it saddens me. I’m still in the same job and miserable, I still have no relationship nor any prospects for a relationship, and whilst I have moved into a new house, a house which promised so much more than my old one, the issues that were uncovered with it after I had moved in just make me want to move back into my old one. I feel exasperated by the whole thing; I feel confused as to why I cannot move forward; I feel defeated.
What compounds the situation is looking at my friend, who had the same goals and has achieved each and every one of them. Why has she been able to get what she wanted and I’m left flailing? I don’t understand, and trying to understand causes more angst within myself.
Earlier this year my musical idol, Katie Noonan, posted a picture on Instagram which read “comparison is the thief of joy”. I now understand the impact of this statement, especially after having written the previous paragraph. I know I have to stop comparing my life to my friends for the sake of my own sanity. However, even when I don’t make a comparison I still feel down. So really, I’m at a total loss as to what to do.
I know that things will happen when they’re meant to, but for the first time in years I feel ready for change. I feel ready to take the next step, I want to take the next step, and I really cannot be bothered waiting for the universe to get its shit in order so I can. Therein lies the problem.