Finding Balance

I remember when I was a kid being hyper emotional about everything, and I mean absolutely everything! The slightest negative thing would set me off into tears and the slightest happy thing would see every single bit of contentment fill my bones. For me, that was normal.

When I hit puberty and my hormones kicked into fifth gear those emotions were amplified to the nth degree. It was strange and became uncomfortable because it prevented me from exhibiting an aura of coolness which is what I was going for at the time. So I tried this amazing thing called control and suppression. Ha! Instead of expressing my emotions publically unless absolutely appropriate to do so, I held them in until I was alone.

When I met my now ex-partner who I was together with for 15 years my emotions, except for anger which grew to astronomical proportions, seemed to disappear. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I now believe it to be a part of the losing of myself within that relationship. I recall that I’d often yearn to just have a good cry over a television show ending or due to a falling out with a work colleague, but it just didn’t happen, or rarely did it anyway.

When that relationship began to fall apart, well, when I realised there was something inherently wrong with it and began the search to find myself again, my hyper emotional state returned. Initially I was elated to be feeling such high highs and such low lows, it meant I was being true to myself. Now however, the uncomfortableness of it all has returned. I still exercise some control in a public environment in regards to how I express myself because I’m an adult, but what I’ve found is that I’m unable to share my highs and lows with anyone, even privately, because a) I’m afraid of how they’ll perceive me and b) I have nobody to share them with. So whilst I’ve come back around full circle to where I was I’m still searching for the right balance, the perfect combination of emotional expression that is socially acceptable and personally satisfying. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever find it.

As well as this realization I’ve cemented what my first tattoo will be when I get around to getting one: a heart on my sleeve.



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