Last Sunday I did a massive spring clean of my house. In the process I found my three hand written journals from 2014. Each year, since 2013, I set myself a writing challenge. This blog is 2015’s and last year it was to maintain a daily journal. When I found the journals I couldn’t help but read the first one during a cleaning break.
To say I was shocked at some of the things written would be an understatement. I’d successfully managed to put a lot of the events behind me and had, quite literally, forgotten about most. I was astounded at my unhappiness, in particular my unhappiness in relation to a few key people. However, it was most upsetting to realise that I was repeating patterns this year, something I didn’t realise I was doing, until Sunday.
In 2014 there was one person in particular who had the most negative impact on me since my ex. This person treated me poorly, like an option, when I treated them like a priority. After a tumultuous, short friendship, it ended. That was only the beginning of a year long association with arseholes who treated me poorly, and sadly it appears to be happening again to me in 2015, a few times over in fact.
So, I’ve decided to take a new approach with it all to avoid complete heartbreak again. I’ve decided to just step away, to stop making these people a priority since I am clearly an option to them. If they wish for me to be in their lives they need to make an effort. If not, jog on.
What fifteen years in a physically, emotionally and verbally abusive relationship have finally taught me is to have self respect, to understand my worth and to know when to move on from people who are impacting on my life in a negative way. I guess that’s something.
Then why do I feel like shit about it all?